What is a friend? How does a friend have an effect? Definitions include such phrases as, “my friend is always there with me,” “Always cares,” “never leaves me.”
Of course, your definition may include different variations, but the heartbeat is the same. Consider a few other definitions:
- A friend comes in when the whole word is going out.
- Friends do not feel like they need to fix one another.
- My friend receives the struggle as authentic.
- My friend listens.
There is a great deal of pain when we must endure the struggles alone.
- Scripture says it well: Ecclesiastes 4:9 Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: 10 If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.
- Someone said, “Our heart withers if it does not answer another heart. His mind shrinks away if he hears only the echoes of his own thoughts and finds no other inspiration.”
- John Donne wrote of his illness suffering from the plague in England. Isolated, he said “A long sickness will weary the best of friends, but an epidemic wards them off from the outset. To patients like me, it seems a kind of prison sentence separating us from both companionship and charity.”
Friendship is powerful and “alone” is painful. The Benefit of “Together” is found in life and Scripture.
- On the night before Jesus died, we know He prayed to the Father in the Garden of Gethsemane. We forget that before going into that garden He requested the help of His friends. Three times He asked them to watch with Him. He needed the help and support of His friends.
- Paul, the great missionary, author of half the New Testament wrote in one of his last letters. “Only Luke is here with me.” While Luke was helpful, he wanted companionship. He also said, “send John Mark, he is useful to me.” (That is another amazing story of God’s great grace!) Paul needed someone to walk with Him.
- George Elliot said, “Oh the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but to pour them out.” Friends do not need to measure words.
- “Shared joy is double joy, and shared sorrow is half-sorrow.” (Swedish Proverb)
- A friend does not fix people but allows them to be honest, to invest in them, to offer a connection.
This series focuses on Job and his friends as they deal with the losses in his life. We will hear their incredible dialogue. We will observe things well said, and those that lack tact or wisdom. We will honestly confront the faith questions.
I offer four observations to get started. All come from their first encounter with Job recorded in Job 2.
First, They Came! (Verse 11)
11 When Job’s three friends, Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite, heard about all the troubles that had come upon him, they set out from their homes and met together by agreement to go and sympathize with him and comfort him.
They came to be with him. They planned to come and did. They were intentional in spending time with him. They came to offer support and comfort. Time spent grieving with someone is never time wasted.
We need others. God created us with a need for comfort. They met that need.
Second, they Grieved! (Verse 12)
12 When they saw him from a distance, they could hardly recognize him; they began to weep aloud, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads.
They shared Job’s hurts with him. They walked the painful road. They felt the pain. We do well to step into other’s grief with them.
Third, they Listened! (Verse 13)
13 Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was.
Seven days and nights. They offered him quiet presence. That is often the greatest comfort. Words are not needed. The power of being there is the greatest comfort.
THEN THEY TALKED
At first, they appeared genuine. But then they talked. What follows is almost thirty-seven chapters of verbal ping-pong. We will read parts of the speeches occupying those chapters in the coming weeks.
The problem is that they needed logical reasoning. They wrestled with the questions about God being fair. They reasoned with the questions about God being good and the evilness of man. They loaded him down with guilt.
Were they seeking to comfort him or to comfort themselves? They had the bedside manner of a drill sergeant and the compassion of chain saw killer.
TEN SUGGESTIONS FOR HELPING THE GRIEVING
Grief is an inevitable yet unwelcome companion. Before diving into the words of these men I offer some practical suggestions when you grieve or when you help others walk through those minefields.
- Be SILENT and Listen.
We do not need to ask questions. We do not need to explain anything.
Someone said, “The most significant thing I learned was that high sounding, though true, theological axioms sound so trite and are immensely irritating.”
Say things like I am sorry, how are you doing, it is ok to cry, and I love you.
- Agree that the experience will be PAINFUL.
Accept the fact of sorrow.
Weep with those who weep. (Romans 12:15)
Weeping needs an echo.
It is also said, “Those who weep with me provide the greatest relief. With them I am free to express emotion.”
Offer no glib assurances that “it will be better soon.”
Simple statements like “Trust God” are also not helpful. They sound like a heartless accusation, as if their suffering is somehow a result of a failure to trust God.
- Allow the person to face the reality of LOSS.
Accept their honest feelings. Their mourning is justified.
Receive their feeling. Listen. Do not try to “camouflage” their losses.
- Help the Grieving Person TALK.
Let them talk about the loss. Encourage them to share memories about the person.
Some questions may include: What do you miss, what is the most difficult, what has been funny, what is your favorite memory, and how did you meet? (Asking what was funny may seem out of place. However, they may have a hard time laughing again. We can encourage them to do so.)
- Support the Grieving Person During the Grieving PROCESS.
Remember it is a process. They do not heal in days or weeks.
Be available and sensitive.
Take the initiative. Saying “Call me if you need me” is not the best. Find a real and meaningful way to help. Be practical and do it. Mow the lawn, help clean the gutters, make the dinner, help them manage their checkbook.
- Help the Grieving Person Deal with Painful EMOTIONS.
They may carry a wide range of emotions. Let them.
Their struggle may include some levels of guilt. Necessary or unnecessary guilt may be present. Let it be.
They may feel a level of hopelessness, resentment, or anxiety.
- Help the Grieving Person Begin to COPE.
Help them face it.
- Assist the Grieving Person in Establishing New RELATIONSHIPS.
Withdrawal and isolation are normal and needed for a time.
But there is also a time we need to help them reconnect. Help them find a shared interest.
People need to be needed.
- Maintain a Christian Perspective.
We do not need to lead with the spiritual questions. We do not need to come with quick answers.
But we do hold on to our faith and our future. God is close. The future is promised.
- Do not Forget to PRAY.
Do not talk about promises, truly pray. Pray with them. Pray for them.
The average person prays less than two minutes per day.
Even if we do not know the words to pray, we can pray in groaning.
